she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
