That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I have demons in me.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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