I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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