Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Drake has all the answers
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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