the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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