Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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