jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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