did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
