Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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