i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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