if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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