...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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