Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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