I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
