Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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