Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I think weed is turning my hair brown
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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