If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
