all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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