Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
