It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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