Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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