If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
