There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
