I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
