I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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