I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
