i wish my penis had a tongue
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
