I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
