So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
