I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
