Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
