someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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