I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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