hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
