The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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