I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
