Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
