Someone shit on the floor
I haven't been this sober since birth.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
