I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
