turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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