I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Text me some of your sweat
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
