Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
