Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I smell stomach acid.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
