Swine flu. Run for my life!
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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