my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
dude i'm inner monologue high
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
