don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Non-Jews are for practice
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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