dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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