Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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