My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
