just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
