Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
