He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
