i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
