Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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