He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
