in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
