I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
